


Conversations With God: Castiel's Note

by AnonymouslyAwesome



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandonment, Daddy Issues, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Post-Season/Series 11, Suicidal Castiel, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 18:04:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7902463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymouslyAwesome/pseuds/AnonymouslyAwesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set post season 11 finale. Dean is gone, and Cas has failed at fulfilling Dean's last request -- to keep Sammy safe. It's getting hard to breathe, hard to think, under the weight of all his failures. Everything he does falls apart. Freewill, the supposed sacred gift, has done nothing but allow him to scar the world. Where was God in all of this? Why bring Cas back so many times just to ignore him and leave once again? Angels, demons...they never agree, except on hating Cas. He can't take it anymore. And there's nobody left to stop him. A suicide note to Chuck ensues, pouring out all of the pain and hurt of a an angel almost as old as the universe.</p><p>Companion to a fanvideo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conversations With God: Castiel's Note

Father-

From the moment I raised Dean Winchester from perdition, I should’ve known it was over. One simple command – to go against the natural order of the universe, death and heaven and hell, and save someone who didn’t want to be saved. I was a good little soldier, so of course I didn’t question it. I did as I was told.  

For a while.

Two of the humans, the ones you told us to love more than anything, more than you, opened my eyes to the hypocrisy and lies and doubts in the universe. But also the love and beauty and family.

And that made me mad. No, it made me _furious_.

Everything I had ever believed in, the emotionless mechanical idealization of your so called unquestionably perfect master plan, of you, it was idiotic. I felt like a fool.

The rules meant nothing. It all meant _nothing_.

And I was abandoned, left to make my own decisions.

And I’ve made the wrong ones. So many times. So much blood is on my hands.

I’ve been told endlessly that I’m broken, and expendable, and weak. I had liked to think that at least I’d done some good, helping the Winchesters. But now I know that everything they’ve done, all they’ve accomplished, they’ve managed to do in spite of me. In spite of the curse that is my presence. I _am_ broken.

I think you know that too.

I’ve wrestled with it forever, with your absence, with how many times you’ve brought me back, with this supposed gift of freewill.

I think I have the answer. Your sick, sick mind gets off on this chaos. You said you wanted us all to be happy, but above that, you wanted it to be our choice – bull. No, you like the story, the entertainment. You like playing God, just not being him.

Fatherhood isn’t love. Fatherhood isn’t gifts, isn’t mercy, isn’t protection, isn’t even being there when the walls start tumbling down. I’ve learned that from a close friend – a parent can love you to the end of the earth and still not be a Dad. It’s being what your children need the most. How sure are you that _you’ve_ done the right thing? You created us, but does that give you the right to let us destroy ourselves?

Well, good news, you don’t have to think about that anymore, at least with me. It’s my life, it’s my choice.

I’ve made peace with my fate.

I failed at being an angel. I lost everything, for nothing. I have to make things right.

Someone should.

Because I’ve been told that there is a right, and a wrong. Marvelous freewill.

Who am I kidding with this righteous act though? I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore.

All I know is how I feel.

Do _you_ know what that is like Chuck? Feeling? Guilt, sadness, shame? That hole in your chest that just gets bigger and bigger until it wipes you away?

Well, don’t worry. I didn’t want to be saved.

Dean’s gone. And I failed at his last request – keeping his brother safe. Guess you’ll have to find new playthings.

I believe it is what you would call a…tragedy, from the human perspective.

I just wanted to make amends before I die.

 

P.S. Dean, I’m sorry.

 

**Author's Note:**

> All lines similar or quoted from SPN belong to the CW. Basically, everything that isn't my original lines belong to the CW. My soul belongs to the CW. ;) Sorry if this is like totally OOC and stuff -- I only made it as a base for my fanvid, but I wanted to post it somewhere so I could link to it in case people wanted to see the entire idea behind the video, which you can see here if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76L5Spgs-Go Enjoy!!!


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